Friday, October 19, 2007

Unsent Letters

I thought I was ready.

I think I trembled as I wrote it. I tried to say that I was all in, that I was ready to do this. But something inside me knew that there was much to be proven, in both of us, before it could really be something beautiful. It seemed we had everything in the open. Progress...at long last. Then it stopped. Stalled. Fell apart. And slowly, it resolved. He moved on (as always). I healed. And I realized it was the last time I'd let him close to me like that.

It was finally over.

That week, a dear friend told me I was free as a bird. She said I could walk across the stage at my collegiate graduation (which was about a week from that night) and realize that I could go anywhere from there. I was unattached, able to pursue what I truly desired. I didn't feel free when she said it. I felt imprisoned by the weight that had settled into my chest. It was heart-wrenching. I was in suspension, wondering when it would stop hurting. But after a golden summer at home and many, many introspective moments, time spent watching the sunset, late-night talks with friends and family, watching the moonlight dance off the waves and hearing the sound of the wind rustling through the dune grass...I found myself again.

I found God in that place.

And now I'm here. Back where some of the greatest heartaches in my life have transpired. Walking the paths and frequenting the places where I had both joys and hardships. And most of all, where I learned what it meant to be passionate about my field of study and my pending career. It feels like a new start, even if the surroundings stayed the same.

So here I go
I'll chase the setting the sun tonight
If I know it gets me where I need to be
Here I go, I'm on my way again
And I'm perfectly safe where I belong


[If my life could be put into a song right now, this is what it would sound like.]

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