Friday, July 18, 2008

I'm gazing.

[A fervent prayer]

I don’t always want it to be this way. So many times my prayer is this:

Father, I fell short again...painfully. Fix me. Forgive me. Heal me. Change me.

I feel as though I am a broken record, repeating the same things over and over. I realize that I am only enough because You made me enough. What a beautiful thing this grace is. You are here and readily willing to do those things, yes…but You are also here to be with me. You have made Your dwelling place in me, and I in You. I am created to be with You. The very definition of eternity is to know who You are.

Dare I meet the gaze of those fiery eyes? Dare I break it? Dare I rest my head on Your chest and listen to a heart that beats for people? Dare I look into Your eyes, deeply enough to see who I am and to know Your dreams for me? Dare I listen closely enough to hear You say the names of the people in my life that You are asking me to reach and love?

When I finally let go and allow my heart to hurt at the thought of the Kingdom, the overwhelming cost that You paid for me, the changing of seasons, the things to which You have called me…I realize again that I have been both lost and found in You.

I must stop counting the costs of this abandon.

The time has come. I’m either all in, or all out. I must trust You wholeheartedly, or else it might as well be not at all. I cannot give my heart to another, because it is wrapped up in You. My heart is not mine to give to friend nor lover. I belong to You. Only with You at the center can we all be brought together in perfect unity.

Community. Relationship. Faith. Hope. Love. Growth. Life. It all begins and ends with You. Only then will our hearts truly beat as one, in time with the rhythm of Your own. The rhythm of Heaven. What would our lives look like if that were what truly drives us?

So here I am. You breathe out and I breathe in. You speak and I listen, for Your sheep know the voice of their Shepherd (John 10:3). I’m not going anywhere, Father. Not without You. I’m all here. I’m all in. Even with my blatant imperfection and shameful lack of effort for so long. Here I am and here I’ll stay.

I'm Yours...and I’m gazing.


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[Colorado post coming soon. I promise. These things take time.]

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